Justice Department Authorizes New Interrogation Technique

Waterboard, Ms - In a statement released early Saturday, the CIA announced that a new interrogation technique had been chosen  to replace waterboarding, (the often used but highly controversial technique deemed unethical by the Justice Department earlier this month.)

The new interrogation technique involves prisoner / detainees being strapped to an ordinary wooden chair and then having headphones placed over their ears. Once the headphones are in place, the prisoner / detainee is forced to listen to an audio recording of Alisyn Camerota and Chris Cuomo during their morning talk show.

CIA official, Walter Boardman, told the Mississippi Thrifty Nickle that the agency had experimented with more than a dozen political or celebrity voices before deciding on Camerota and Cuomo.

"Interestingly enough," Boardman said, "Was the fact that Nancy Pelosi's voice actually had the quickest response times. Program volunteers were ready to confess in an average time of sixty-five seconds when hearing Pelosi speak. Unfortunately, volunteers quickly became suicidal from the audio of the former Speaker of the House. Many times tipping their chair over and repeatedly banging their heads on the concrete floor of the test facility."

Boardman went on to say that Camerota's average confession time was eighty seconds, but when combined with Cuomo's voice that average dropped dramatically to forty seconds. "Most volunteers begged to be waterboarded after listening to these two."

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