Campaign Announces New Distancing Rules

(JoCrazy, IA) The Biden campaign announced new distancing rules this morning for the former vice-president. Campaign spokesperson, Christina Hy-Pocresee, read in a prepared message, "Joe has promised that he will keep the distance equivalent of two index fingers away from all of his female staffers."

Democratic congressional leaders roundly approved the move. House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi commenting on CNN, "It's a measure we have been anxiously awaiting from Joe. I think this proves to our party the depths of his penetrating respect for women. I think it proves he is the man Democratic women have all groaned to know."

Ms. Hy-Pocresee did reiterate that the new rule would still allow for hair-sniffing. "What woman doesn't like having her hair sniffed by a 77-year-old man?" she said. "Let's not go overboard here."

Also Happening Now: House Speaker Pelosi Negotiates 25 cents off coupon with Jeni's ice cream for all Americans making less than $30 thousand a year.

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